Please, let me fuck your mom
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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