i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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