so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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