I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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