well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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