my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
