Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
