Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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