I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
