Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
