Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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