I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
