I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
