I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And then he peed in my hair
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