she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
