...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
