You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
