You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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