It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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