Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize