Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
