my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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