We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
