dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
