I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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