MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
