you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
