She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
