I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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