If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Are my feet made of real feet?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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