My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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