dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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