I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize