we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
