My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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