I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
