I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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