I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
