it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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