I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The air was thick with penises
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
