We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I could fuck to npr.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
