does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize