Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
