Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
