Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
