Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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