Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
