Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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