They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
