im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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