Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize