then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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