I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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