Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
