so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
