your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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