I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
